Aircraft Ground Crew Responses

This set of aircraft faults/responses has been attributed to numerous American airlines and sometimes to military pilots and their ground crew. Each time, the list gets a little longer and a little sillier. A fighter pilot version turned up during the 2003 Iraq conflict. Another 2003 version was attributed to Qantas, on the grounds that Qantas is the only major airline never to have had an accident. The faults cover a range of military and civil aircraft from propeller engines through to jets. While some of the original entries may have been genuine, later ones have almost certainly been added as jokes. The following compendium is courtesy of friends in the aerospace industry.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics and other ground crew any problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics/ground crew read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.


(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers or ground crew.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: The autopilot doesn't.
S: IT DOES NOW.

P: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
S: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Pilot's clock inoperative.
S: Wound clock.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: 3 roaches in cabin.
S: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
S: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

P: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
S: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

P: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
S: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

P: Whining sound heard on #2 engine shutdown.
S: Pilot removed from aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Funny sounds from behind instrument panel.
S: Installed non-funny sounds.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to "straighten up, fly right, and be serious".

P: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
S: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

P: Turn-and-slip indicator ball stuck in centre during turns.
S: Congratulations. You have just made your first co-ordinated turn.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
S: Fresh seat cushion on order.

P: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
S: Ground checks OK.

P: Weather radar went ape!
S: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess.


And this one from a pilot instructor who ejected from a military trainer aircraft:
P: Reason for emergency eject: Landing gear would not retract
S: Aircraft had fixed landing gear. Aircraft written off.

Aerospace engineer Adam Leech submitted the following joke "gripes" after a couple of occasions in which RAF Harriers had ditched into the sea or the River Yeo.P: Indication of moisture in intake.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.

P: Electrical shorting in controls due to moisture ingress.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.

P: Tendency for canopy to mist up.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.

P: Numerous water leaks from fuselage.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.

Software support

CLIENTUL INTREABA:
>> > Acum un an am schimbat versiunea Logodnica 7.0 cu
>> > Nevasta 1.0 si am observat ca programul a lansat o
>> > optiune subita Bebelus1.0 care ocupa mult spatiu pe
>> > hard. In instructiuni nu era nimic mentionat.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Pe de alta parte, Nevasta 1.0 se autoinstaleaza in
>> > toate celelalte programe si se lanseaza automat cand
>> > deschid alta aplicatie, impiedicandu-i executia.
>> > Aplicatii ca Bere-intre-prieteni 10.3,
>> > Duminica-la-fotbal 5.0 nu mai functioneaza.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Uneori apare un virus - Soacra 1.0, care blocheza
>> > sistemul sau face ca Nevasta 1.0 sa se comporte
>> > total haotic. Nu reusesc sa dezinstalez acest
>> > program si devine insuportabil mai ales cand incerc
>> > sa lansez aplicatia Duminica-de-dragoste 3.0.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Se pare ca si alte fisiere sunt virusate. Am vrut
>> > sa revin la programul anterior Logodnica 7.0 dar procesul de
>> > dezinstalare al programului actual, Nevasta 1.0 mi se pare
>> > complicat iar riscurile pt. sistem sunt mari mai
>> > ales pt. Bebelus 1.0 care chiar imi place.
>> >
>> >
>> > Ma puteti ajuta ? Un utilizator disperat.
>> >
>> > RASPUNS
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Draga client,
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Nemultumirea Dvs. este frecventa printre utilizatori
>> > dar ea se datoreaza unei greseli primare de
>> > conceptie: Multi utilizatori trec de la orice
>> > versiune Logodnica X.0 la Nevasta 1.0 cu speranta
>> > falsa Nevasta 1.0 nu e decat un program de
>> > divertisment si utilitati.Dar e vorba de mult mai
>> > mult :Nevasta 1.0 e un Operating System complet
>> > creat ca sa controleze toate aplicatiile Dvs. E
>> > aproape imposibil sa dezinstalati Nevasta 1.0 si sa
>> > reveniti la Logodnica X.0 intrucat exista sisteme
>> > virusate care fac ca si acesta sa se comporte precum
>> > Nevasta 1.0 deci nu aveti nimic de castigat.
>> >
>> >
>> > Aceeasi problema si cu Soacra X.0. Acesta e un
>> > program mai vechi din care deriva Nevasta 1.0 si
>> > comporta multe probleme de compatibilitate. Cu putin
>> > noroc, sfarseste prin a fi victima unui virus si
>> > dispare in cativa ani.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Unii utilizatori au incercat sa formateze tot
>> > modulul si sa instaleze programul Iubita+Nevasta 2.0
>> > dar asta le-a creat si mai mari probleme ( a se citi
>> > notita de prevenire "Pensie alimentara" si "Custodia copiilor"). Daca
>> > instalati Iubita 8.0 nu incercati sa treceti la Nevasta 2.0 pt ca
>> > problemele vor fi chiar mai mari decat cele cu Nevasta 1.0. Chiar daca
>> > exista si versiuni Nevasta 3.0 si Nevasta 4.0,
>> > acestea sunt rezervate specialistilor si avand un
>> > pret ridicat nu le recomandam.
>> >
>> >
>> > Daca sistemul cade, va recomandam Celibat 1.0 dar
>> > ideal e sa pastrati Nevasta 1.0 si sa invatati
>> > programul cat mai bine posibil intrucat e foarte
>> > sensibil la anumite comenzi si reactioneaza rau la
>> > erori de instalare.Asadar, orice eroare aparuta va
>> > fi considerata ca provenind din partea Dvs. si
>> > trebuie sa vi-o asumati. Va sfatuim sa activati
>> > aplicatiile C:/Scuze/Scuze.exe.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Evitati utilizarea tastelor ESC si SUPPR care
>> > necesita ulterior C:/Scuze /flori.exe. Pentru o mai
>> > buna utilizare,va sfatuim sa cumparati si pack-ul
>> > Bijuterii 3.0, Vacante 5.1. Optiunile Da_draga_mea
>> > 2.7 si Ai_dreptate_iubire 4.5 sunt indispensabile.
>> > Nu instalati sub nici o forma
>> > Secretara_blonda_in_fusta_mini 2.0, O_prietena 3.1.
>> > Aceste programe sunt incompatibile cu Nevasta 1.0 si
>> > pot distruge sistemu

Poarta ghinion

Un tip isi revine dintr-o coma profunda de 7 luni. In tot acest timp, sotia lui a stat zilnic langa patul lui.La cateva zile dupa ce si-a revenit, isi cheama sotia:
- Draga mea, ai fost alaturi de mine in toate nenorocirile prin care am trecut: cand am fost concediat, m-ai sprijinit enorm; cand afacerea mea a dat faliment, ai fost langa mine; cand am fost impuscat, ai stat alaturi de mine; cand ne-am pierdut casa, ai fost tot langa mine; cand sanatatea mea s-a subrezit, m-ai sprijinit permanent. Stii ceva?
- Ce sa stiu, dragul meu? intreaba ea zambitoare.
- In mortii ma-tii, cred ca imi porti ghinion!

Banca de cacat

Unul mai jerpelit intra intr-o banca. La ghiseu, ii zice fetei:
- Duduie, vreau sa depun niste cacati de bani in cacatul vostru de banca...
- Domnule, in banca noastra, noi nu permitem asemenea vocabular. Il chem pe sefu'.
- Care-i problema, domnule? Intreaba sefu'.
- I-am zis duduii ca vreau sa depun niste cacati de bani in cacatul vostru de banca...
- Despre ce suma-i vorba ?
- A, un cacat de vreo doua milioane de dolari...
- Si curva asta nu vrea sa va serveasca?!!

Romani la birou

Cati oameni lucreaza aici?
- Cu seful - 10.
- Dar fara sef?
- Fara sef in general nu lucreaza nimeni!

Maimuta

O femeie cu un copil in brate se urca in autobuz.
Soferul zice:
- Aoleu, asta e cel mai urit copil pe care l-am vazut vreodata.
Femeia se duce in spatele autobuzului si se aseaza pe scaun spumegind de nervi.

Se intoarce catre pasagerul de alaturi si ii zice:

- Soferul asta m-a jignit foarte rau.
La care individul spune:
- Mai bine va duceti chiar acum sa-i spuneti vreo doua si in timpul asta va tin eu maimuta".

Pixuri in spatiu

Cind NASA a inceput trimiterea de astronauti in spatiu, s-a descoperit ca pixurile nu functioneaza in stare de imponderabilitate. Pentru a rezolva problema, oamenii de stiinta americani au cheltuit 12 miliarde de dolari si s-au chinuit zece ani ca sa realizeze un pix care sa scrie chiar si in lipsa gravitatiei, tinut cu susul in jos, sub apa, pe orice suprafata, inclusiv sticla si la orice fel de temperatura, de la conditii de inghet pina la 300 grade C.
Rusii au folosit un creion."

Vreau sa mor

Vreau sa mor linistit, in timp ce dorm, la fel ca bunicul  meu. Nu tipind de groaza ca pasagerii lui.

Asigurare la vanatoare

Doi vinatori erau undeva, intr-o padure. La un moment dat, unul dintre ei se prabuseste la pamint, fara suflare, cu ochii dati peste cap.
Celalalt scoate repede celularul si suna la Salvare.

- Prietenul meu a murit. Ce sa fac?, striga el in receptor.
La care operatorul raspunde:
- Va rog calmati-va si eu o sa va ajut. Mai intai asigurati-va ca e intr-adevar mort.
Se lasa tacerea, dupa care se aude zgomotul unei impuscaturi.

Dupa care, tipul pune mina pe telefon si zice:
- OK, si acum ce sa fac? "